"VACUUM THEORY" DISCOVERED

TODAY - Britain
Welsh scholar and philosopher Argyle MacDoogle released his Vacuum Theory on Thursday last. The name refers to the theories foundational thought that, 'life sucks, and then you die.'

MacDoogle tirelessly researched the subject of problems and their relationship to life before stumbling upon what he considers a 'basic and fundamental truth'.

MacDoogle, "I was searching for a cure to the ailment that most plagues mankind. I feel that stress has been overshadowed by lesser problems which are solely the symptom of the the original cause. If one could diagnose why stress exists and the reason as to why it must be a proverbial thorn in the side then one could begin to understand its nature and uproot it, if you will."

MacDoogle first conducted experiments on himself when there was a lack of volunteers who wished to subject themselves to additional problems in their life. Comments MacDoogle, "When research studies are conducted on experimental drugs or dangerous procedures volunteers line up. This in comparison to the lack of willingness of the populous to participate in my study is evidence itself of the toll stress and problems take on a person. I began there and built on that by surveying citizens from all classes, creed and colors to find out what problems they most tried to avoid. I then flung myself into situations that proposed these very same problems."

His experimentation led to his simple but profound Vacuum Theory. He is currently finishing his dissertation on the theory to be presented to the Nobel Prize Board for judgement. MacDoogle expects quite seriously to bring home the trophy.

JOURNALISM DEEMED OBSOLETE

Current reports indicate that many American's are no longer reading their headlines, nor do they relax in front of the evening news. Several American's, this reporter spoke with, say that they get their information from email forwards. While mostly unreliable and often a complete fabrication, many of America's population have decided this is a much more convenient way to get information.

One such person explained to me, "Im just not interested in things like ,'Who's the new President' or 'What war we're fighting.' I'm more concerned with which local shopping malls are unsafe because of a serial rapist... or what celebrity has cellulite. Can the news tell me that?"

Sally, a middle-aged secretary from Katy,TX shared, "Its all good and well to know what's up in the world but, eventually someone will email me what I need to know. Why should I bother buying a newspaper or wasting my evening in watching boring news?"

This trend has led to lower news program ratings and some newspapers collapsing under the weight of poor sales. Other more stable newspapers are resorting to desperate tactics to attract readers. The Houston Chronicle is so eager to win back their female 18-55 demographic that they offer free grocery cards in exchange for slimmed-down subscriptions.

What we must ask ourselves is do we want a country of unread, uninformed citizens, who get their information from bored sixteen year-olds that are trying to get a laugh?

WOMAN DECIDES ITS NOT WORTH WORRYING ABOUT

After spending a restless night tossing and turning over a perceived slight by a pal that happened years ago, then considering the grocery list, followed by an internal debate over the validity of her future plans; a local Houston woman came to a startling discovery.

She decided, "Its just not worth it." Followed promptly by the best nights sleep she ever had. 

LIQUID EXERCISE

THIS MORNING: Researchers in Scotland discovered that the burning sensation caused while drinking whisky has a major medical benefit. It stimulates the metabolism causing fat and calories to burn while you drink.

WOMAN MARRIES JACKASS

After 20 years of marriage Sally Moffit was left penniless by her moron husband when he decided to marry their 19 yr old baby sitter. When faced with entering the dating scene at 45 she decided to marry an actual jack-ass. I recently had the opportunity to sit down with Sally and discuss this controversial decision.

N- "Ms. Moffit, what lead to the idea that a Jack-Ass might be a suitable marriage mate?"

S -"Well, for most of my marriage my husband behaved like one. I had dated quite a bit prior to marriage and pretty much all of them were at least partly idiots. I though maybe times had changed but most of my married girlfriends said there husbands were complete morons most of the time as well. They were all pretty happy but I just didn't want to go that route again."

N - "Interesting. So how did that lead to the idea to marry a jack-ass."

S - "Well my girlfriends and I were having a few drinks at Chili's and this man approached my friend and told her she had a nice rack. We were in the middle of one of our man bashing sessions at the time so he was in real trouble."

N - "I can only imagine"

S - "My friend stood up and asked why men were such idiots. He then answered, if you hate us so much why do you women keep coming after us? He then walked off but it started a conversation joking about how we would be better off without them. Then someone shouted,' their such donkeys we might as well just marry one'. That was when I decided!"

N - "How interesting. And how does the jack-ass compare to your husband?"

S- "Well he's just as cranky when he's tired or hungry. He makes messes and doesn't clean them up and gives a blank stare when I'm talking to him. So their pretty similar."

N - "Any upside?"

S- "Definitely, I can just pour his food into a bowl, he doesn't make me watch sports and when I'm sick of him or he smells I can just lock him outside. I'm not crazy, I don't actually think hes my husband, hes just a pet. I just thought it would be a funny statement to make."

N - "Indeed."

MAN DISCOVERED TO BE FROM ANOTHER PLANET

Several people over the last few months had reported that Hary Sikes seemed to be from another planet. His demeanor and conversation were very otherworldly and he seemed to be unaware of how to function around most humans.

After over 20 reports were filed HPD referred the case to the FBI Special Investigations Unit. The SIU conducted surveillance on Mr Sikes for three weeks before determining, he was indeed from another world. Currently governmental scientists have him in quarantine until further tests reveal if it is safe to come into regular contact with him. We will update readers when more information becomes available.

EFFECTIVE NEW CELEBRITY DIET

Weight Loss Clinics of America have partnered with The Actors Guild and conducted a research experiment involving 500 participants. This included interviews with over 75 famous hard-body celebrities. Their findings?

Researchers concluded that keeping your daily caloric intake under 500 calories is extremely effective in getting that celebrity body you crave.

Paris Hilton reported that she maintains her camera ready physique by, "My trainer helps me stay hot. He makes sure I'm running 1 hour a day, rowing 30 minutes a day, do 2 hours of pilates a day and 4 hours of kickboxing every week; no exeptions. Combined with only eating raw vegetables that have less than 50 calories per serving and low fat fishes. If I keep my calories under 400 and eat less that 5 grams of fat per day I know Im doing great!"

When asked how she dropped that pregnancy weight from her recent birth of twins Angelina Jolie chuckled to researchers; "My tummy tuck didn't hurt. No seriously, it did hurt. A lot! I also have a secret weapon, I wait till I'm dizzy then I take a shot of wheat grass. Keeps me going all day!"

Other celebrity interviewees recommend strenuous exercise at least 3 hours a day combined with regular plastic surgery and low low calorie diets. Research on the 500 test subjects revealed that you can eat anything you want as long as you keep it under 625 calories.

Group A used the ice cream diet, they ate 1 scoop of low fat and calorie ice cream 6 times a day. After 30 days Group A had dropped an average of 20 lbs. Group B was given the newly popular Acai diet. They drank a shot of Acai 4 times daily and combined it with 1 carrot stick and 1 broccoli stalk. Group B lost an average of 20 lbs in the 30 days. Group C was given the salmon diet (Jennifer Lopez favorite). They ate a 2oz fillet of salmon for breakfast lunch and dinner. They snacked on water and were allowed their choice of 2 broccoli florets or 1 celery stick twice daily. Group C lost an astonishing average of 30lbs! Phenomenal results.

Here are a few diet tips to incorporate into your diet based on their research:

• When drinking limit it to two glasses of dry white wine (only 73 calories per glass on average)
• When snacking stick with veggies under 8 calories per serving such as radish, carrot, celery, broccoli or pickled gerkhins.
• Choose watercress over other types of lettuce for 1/2 the calories!
• When choosing protein stick with low fat low calorie fishes such as steamed flounder, steamed haddock or tuna in brine (all less that 1 gram of fat and under 100 calories)!
• For that sweet tooth eat 1 medium sized dried fig or fresh date (under 30 calories and low in water retaining sodium).
  

Weight Loss Clinic of America is currently offering one on one consultations to let you know which extreme diet you can do and stay alive! Call now!

TGI FRIDAYS INTRODUCES NEW MENU

In a press release issued this morning, TGI Friday's announced they will be debuting a new menu starting November 1st. This new menu will include items cooked in an oven as well as fresh vegetables and fruit in place of the previously used packaged preserved variety.

At the press conference held by TGIF this morning, VP of Public Relations Arnold Spyn explained, "Our previous menu was primarily made of prepackaged frozen foods and artificial ingredients. The simplicity allowed us to hire minors to microwave and thaw the meals and desserts. This in turn allowed us to keep our prices extremely low. Unfortunately of recent people have begun to turn to natural products and customers have become more discerning about what they pay for. We have received numerous emails from clients that they feel duped paying our prices for foods they could have purchased themselves for cents on the dollar. We have also had feedback that many customers do not like the idea that the restaurant did not prepare the food. In the wake of Bennigens recent bankruptcy we have no choice but to begin to cook food."

Look for items such as chicken, beef and vegetables on their new menu. Surprisingly the new menu items featuring freshly cooked meats and fresh salads will only be an average of thirty cents higher per dish than the previous menu.

MANURE LINKED TO CURING CANCER

A Wyoming farmer released a statement this morning detailing what his publicist describes as, "One of the greatest discoveries of this century." After being diagnosed with Terminal Testicular Cancer, Farmer Brown decided to do less manual labor on his 300 acre cattle ranch. He turner over the more brisk duties to his young ranch hands and limited his tasks to shoveling manure for compost and feeding the cattle.

To the amazements of his Doctors; just 6 months after being diagnosed the cancer was completely gone. When ask what the source may be Brown exclaimed; 'Its from shovelling Grade A Organic Crap!"

Since his recovery Brown and his wife have started an Organic supplement company marketing their Brand of Manure Supplement. By the end of next year they plan to sell them at, at least 60 different Natural Foods Stores around the country. Coming in at only $.75 a pill these are sure to be widely popular.

DEAFNESS LINKED TO LOVING THE SOUND OF ONE'S VOICE

In a shocking turn of events, 35 year old Gary P. became suddenly deaf after listening to his own voice.

"I just love to hear myself talk. Sometimes I just
talk about my thoughts and feelings for hours. Other times I start arguments
just to hear myself speak. I can't believe this cruel twist of fate!"

We are watching this story closely for any other events of hearing loss linked to never shutting-up.

PASSIVE AGGRESSION PROVEN INEFFECTIVE

USA - Passive Aggression is often defined as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.

A recent study performed at The Research Center for Healthy Assertion (founded 1981) was performed due to a noticeable rise in cases of Passive Aggressive (Negativistic) Personality Disorder. The study revealed that Passive-Aggression is actually, quite simply another form of aggression. In addition the researchers uncovered that the effects on the victims of Passive Aggression include defensiveness, anger, hostility and a feeling that they are being manipulated.

One case study stated, that those participating in passive aggression often feel that they are not being hostile and when met with returned aggression become angry and feel that they are being treated unfairly. On the other hand many of the study participants reacted in a somewhat antagonistic manner when passive aggression was tested on themselves.

Sherry Urbane - Director of the PAPD Study - commented that her findings were conclusive, though they warrant further study. The reports indicated that Passive Aggression was nearly completely ineffective as an interpersonal tool, often damaging to relationships and was not a healthy way for one to assert oneself. Sherry feels that this disorder has not gotten the attention that is warranted and hopes to help those afflicted to come to a better understanding of their emotions through her study.

For a detailed description of PAPD see the Medical Manual DIAGNOSTIC AND STATISTICAL MANUAL OF MENTAL DISORDERS aka DSM-IV-TR®.

References: http://www.coping.org/anger/passive.htm#What http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive

http://www.merck.com/mmhe/sec07/ch105/ch105a.html

RETAIL WORKER SNOBS PATRON - GETS SOCKED IN THE NOSE

This week, in an affluent Dever suburb, 20-something Jane Doh visited a local lingerie boutique. She was first alarmed of the situation to develop; when the sales clerk asked her how she could be of assistance to Jane with a "rude and condescending tone". According to Jane, she "politely asked the saleswoman what sizes their tops came in."

Jane reports, "The stupid old lady began to laugh hysterically. Then she asked if I meant bras. When I said, 'Yes I'm looking for bras and lingerie tops,' she began to laugh harder and repeatedly said 'tops' as if it weren't even English. I stood in astonishment for some time before I asked her if she was making fun of me. 'Can you afford anything here?' was her curt reply. After a moment of contemplation I asked again if she intended to be rude. She just began to laugh wildly so I socked her one."

Many in the local community have begun to call Sharon a hero. Many women interviewed, claim that too have been harassed by retail staff when shopping. Comments one middle aged African American woman, "At times I have been followed closely, being asked every few minutes if I need help."

Middle-class mother of three Angie claims, "One time I ran into a major department store to grab a pair of pantyhose. I was disheveled from running the kids around, so I guess I might have looked as if I wasn't very well to do. While picking out a pair of pantyhose the clerk approached me and asked, 'You know that pair is regular price? You probably were looking for the clearance section.' While taking the pantyhose from me and placing them back on the rack. I wanted so badly to ask her if she herself could afford them or just sock her in the nose, but I hadn't the courage. I'm so grateful for a strong woman like Jane to stand up for consumer rights."

A short interview with the stores manager shed some light on the clerks behavior. Manager Sally Pompoussa remarks, "Some people just look poor or like they might steal. We have to keep a close eye on them. Its not personal!"

In spite of the stores stand the sentiment of our above quoted women, is being echoed throughout the female shopping community. The clerk has declined to be interviewed and is currently pursuing charges of assault against Mrs. Doh.

ASIAN GIVEN CHOPSTICKS

Today at a local American Style restaurant, an Asian-American diner sat down and ordered a hamburger. To his shock and dismay just before his meal was served the waitress stopped by his table and plopped down a set of chopsticks beside him."I couldn't believe it." The man commented.

The unashamed waitress issued a formal statement saying, "What? That is what they eat with isn't it? I mean, they'd give me a fork if I was in their restaurant!"

Our in depth research on Asian eco-socio-customs indicated that many persons native to China, Japan, Vietnam and other Asian countries do indeed eat with chopsticks. Our research however indicated it to be highly unsusual to eat a hamburger with chopsticks.